Retreat Reflections…An excerpt from Mary’s Journal

There is nothing I love more than contemplating the Mysteries and Complexities of the Universe, of the Unseen Worlds, and the Possibility of not only their existence, but their purpose. I love communing with My Beloved, somehow the encompassment of All Reality, Seen and Unseen, intimate and pervading every aspect of Life, macro and micro, Unknowable, Known, and Still To Be Known. There is so much in this Intricate Web that holds Life, even within the space between strands and yet we call it Empty. There, I surmise, is Life, Most Of All.

It’s there that I want to dance, but somehow I know also that there is no “I” once I jump into that space. This thin line of existence, is a tight rope walk, between life and death and that which lies outside of that wire, remains Unknowable until we cross through death’s door… where distinctions like knowable and unknowable, seen and unseen, now and then, good and bad, do not apply. Where there is no you or me, not even we. Just One. Just Peace. Just Love. Union. Bliss.

Can I rain, like you?

Can an endless fountain

Of love

Pour out of me?

Can the fire

Of our lovemaking

Burn form into

Creation

Ceaselessly?

 

What must I give,

What must I let go,

What must I do,

To give myself

Completely

To you?

 

My heart is afire

With desire

To Be One

With

All That Is

 

Burn in me

God damn it!

Let me feel

Passion

For Life

For That Which Makes

Me

Possible

For That Which

Is

Me

 

Why dI want

To get

Rid of

“me” [to become One]

When You made

Me

In such a way

That “me”

is how 

I

Know 

You

At all?

Instead of asking to be One, from now on, I will only thank You/God/Universe/Divine Unfolding for making us One. ☺ because I know wholeheartedly, deep down, from the atoms that make me into matter and through every cell of my being and consciousness, that WE ARE ONE! THAT I AM ONE! THAT ONE IS ALL THERE IS!

I need never doubt that. I am woven into Reality like the Sky is woven into the Earth, like the Earth into the Milky Way, like the Milky Way into the Local Group, and on and on. There is nothing I can do, or not do, that will separate me from Reality. Birth and Death, doorways into New Worlds. Worlds, where “I” may or may not exist. Wow…!   I invite all my God Friends who have made passage through death to encourage me to live the life I have, right now, right here,  with courage, joy, and gratitude.

I have a great life, and one that I take for granted all too often. I give into depression and the feeling of being lost, like I’m not living up to my Purpose. But when I think about what I really want out of life, and what has been my prayer for my whole life – to know, experience and be Love – if that is my purpose, then by all means, I am on track! Not that I am Love, I have a long way to go but I sure have a lot of Love in my life and a lot of opportunity to grow, trip up, and practice giving and receiving forgiveness – an essential part of Love – in all of my relationships and even, maybe especially in my work.

Of any in the world, I have no right to complain or resist my work! It is something I feel truly called to do and I have created the environment I work in! And I practically get paid to love people and foster community, relationships where love can be experienced, imperfectly, yes, but what else is there?!  Being a member of a covenanted community is hard, at times.  But I know of no other way to practice, or change into the Love I want to be.

I’m such a privileged white American middle class woman… I don’t even know how blind I am to the suffering of others and too how good I have it. I have the luxury to be dissatisfied with my life’s work, or to complain about how I should be paid more, or blah blah blah… Jesus… Forgive me.

Universe, awaken me with a joyful heart. For I lack nothing and have more than most. Slap me silly with the awareness of how much the luck of my birthplace, my race, and the economic status I was born into plays into the life I have now. In other words, I’ve done nothing to earn the good life I have and yet I find plenty of things to complain, worry, and feel discouraged about. I would like to rid myself of those bad habits of thought and replace them with gratitude. This shall become part of my practice – noticing when I am ungrateful, feeling sorry for myself, or resisting the life I have. Let me not judge myself harshly, but see and replace those thoughts and emotions with gratitude, even if I have to fake it until I make it.

Give me courage to be generous. I know I/we have more than enough. Let me share willingly with those in need. Let me not be concerned with how much money I am paid, but let me measure my “success” based on my embodiment of Passion, of Creating, of Loving! This, the Reality expressed in All Creation.

Blessed be.

~ mhr

May 17, 2015

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